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 Postmodern Love
By Jim Shahin
I’m wandering the store aisles in search of a Valentine’s Day card. I can’t find anything that reflects the complicated times we live in. So, I’ve concocted a few that update what David Bowie famously called modern love to what I call postmodern love.
GLOBAL-WARMING VALENTINE
Front image: Pastel drawing of the West Coast shoreline morphing into the shape of a heart.
Front message: Climate Changes. Don’t You.
Inside message:
Oceans may rise
From the planet a’warming
But your nonpolluting love
Is shelter from the storming.
Signed: Till the end of time — which, depending on the estimates and what we do in the meantime, could be in only, like, a hundred years!!!
Much love,
Stan
PS: Are you going to the demonstration on Saturday?
MULTIPLE-MARRIAGE VALENTINE
Front image: A gauzy picture of an older man and a younger woman gazing into each other’s eyes as the sun sets.
Front message: Third Time’s a Charm
Inside message:
When I married the first time
I knew it wasn’t right
When I wed the second time
I ended up so contrite
Now, here I am, a third time
And I must say, it’s dy-no-mite!
Signed: Just because you are number three doesn’t mean you aren’t number one in my heart.
Yours always (hopefully) (just kidding, ha-ha),
Roger “the Dodger”
MP3 VALENTINE
Front image: Illustration of a beautiful woman’s face in the center of a photo of an iPod.
Front message: Downloadable You
Inside message:
If you were a song, I would never file-share you
I’d play you through headphones so your sound would be true
I’d stream you and sync you, all day and all night
I’d add bytes to my hard drive to keep you in iSight
I’d interface and mash you (if you say it’s okay)
I’d rock you and roll you till my Click Wheel gives way
I’d groove to you always, from loud, then to muffle
You’d stream in my heart, never lost in shuffle.
Signed: Wild Thing. You make my heart sing. You make everything … groovy.
— Nick
BROKEN-HEART VALENTINE
Front image: Picture of someone with his or her (hard to tell from the shot) back to the camera. In the distance are mountains.
Front message: What’s Your Beef, Stu?
Inside message:
Gimme a Clue, Les.
I Wanna Help, Mate.
Don’t Leave Me Hangin’, Chad.
Signed: I can’t live without you. Please come back, Ward.
— Pat
ANARCHIST VALENTINE
Front image: Black
Front message: None
Inside message:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But the only thing
I care about, besides tearing down the corrupt social order, is, of course, you.
Signed: With a burning passion always,
X
ROAD WARRIOR VALENTINE
Front image: The drawing of a man with a suitcase in his hand rushing through an airport.
Front message: Wish I Were There
Inside message:
You are the love of my life
I hope to see you someday
But for now I must travel
I miss you like a driveway misses gravel.
Signed: Okay, it’s not the most romantic card. It’s all I could find in the airport. Gotta run. Hugs and kisses, etc.,
Me
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