I've got a confession to make, though the only reason I have to say this is that the readers of this magazine, by and large, don't know me personally. Before we get to the confession, let me remedy that briefly. Hi, I'm Zac. I like basketball, playing Scrabble, not eating meat, going prematurely gray, and teaching my two-year-old son how to heckle bad drivers. There are a few other interesting tidbits, but that's the gist. Are we pals now? Awesome. Okay, so here's the confession: I don't like Christmas movies, and, to be more specific, I hate It's a Wonderful Life. But I'll get into that in greater detail momentarily.

In a broader sense, I am not a fan of pretty much all holiday-themed entertainment, with a few exceptions here and there. I like exactly one Christmas album (Vince Guaraldi's jazzy piano soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas) and one Christmas song (Bing Crosby's "Round and Round the Christmas Tree"). I'm well aware of the fact that the latter is borderline insane and more or less unforgivable; I dealt with that a long time ago, and you need to as well, being that we are now friends and all. Anyway, don't hate me for any of this. I'm not the Grinch who stole Christmas. I'm just the guy who turned down the stereo and turned off the TV. Again, deal with it.

As long as I'm sharing, let me add this: I'm a pretty nice guy, and even though I happen to have a distaste for Christmas movies, there have been a few that slipped past the goalie, and, while they didn't find a way into my coal-black heart, they did cozy up near it. Here are the five that I will probably end up watching at some point over the next couple of weeks. And in the interest of equal time, I've also included a few more that I will be avoiding like a homemade oven mitt at the office white-elephant party.

NICE

Elf (2003) This is, as far as I'm concerned, what every Christmas movie should aspire to be. It has an interesting fish-out-of-water premise (a normal-size kid is adopted by Santa's little helpers, and then sets off from the North Pole to find his real dad in the big city). It's funny for everyone, without having to really make any concessions to any point on the age spectrum. It does kind of beat the viewer over the head with the "wouldn't the world be so much better if everyone could just believe in Santa?" hammer, but it makes up for that with a heaping helping of the fearless comedic genius that is Will Ferrell. Not to mention that it reintroduces the greatness of James Caan and Bob Newhart to an unappreciative world. Enjoy it now, because in the near future, some basic-cable channel is going to play this on a loop from Thanksgiving through Christmas morning. It might already be happening.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) The other entries in the Chevy Chase-led Vacation franchise are all fine and good, though I'll admit I've always been slightly bothered by the fact that the Griswold clan's two children are never played by the same two actors. But this is my favorite, for two reasons. One, this is the rare dysfunctional holiday movie that highlights all the pitfalls that accompany Christmas in general, and a big family Christmas, specifically, while keeping everything so cartoonish that it never hits too close to home. (If you want to be bummed out come Christmastime, curl up with Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. Jeez.) Two, and more importantly, this is the first of the Vacation movies that really lets Randy Quaid's Cousin Eddie take over. Yes, a little bit goes a long way with his trailer-park shtick. I would submit that this is the perfect amount. Also, as a bonus, Chase still maintained control of his fastball at this point.

Scrooged (1988) There are something like 52,349 adaptations of Charles Dickens's classic A Christmas Carol, but for my money, this is the best one. Why? Easy. It's because Bill Murray is believable both as the soulless television exec who hates Christmas (he tries to get a production assistant to staple fake antlers to a mouse - long story) and as the guy with a heart of gold who learns how to believe again after visits from the ghosts of Christmases past, present, and future. Wait. Did I spoil the ending? Well, I guess it's too late now. Sorry. Forget the second part of that sentence, with the ghosts and whatnot. Never happened. Where was I? Oh, right. The thing I never really bought about most of the other versions of this story is this: The Scrooge character is a miserable old coot; then, all of a sudden, he's an old coot running around in the snow in his nightshirt and cap, screaming about how great Christmas is. If that were to happen in real life, Mr. Scrooge would be getting another Christmas visitor: the cops. And so, those versions make me sad because they make me think how depressing it would be to spend Christmas in a mental facility. Sorry for bringing down the room. They started it.

A Christmas Story (1983) Remember what I said about some basic-cable channel putting Elf on an endless loop between Thanksgiving and Christmas morning? TNT has already done that with this movie. And I know I'm not alone when I say that programming strategy has taken away some of my enjoyment of this story of a kid who wants nothing more than to wake up on Christmas and find a new BB gun under the tree. But TNT hasn't beaten me down yet. I used to watch this a few times a season. Now I'm content with one viewing, usually just before settling down for a long winter's nap. But I don't want a BB gun waiting for me when I wake up. Unless when you say "BB gun" you mean "a plasma-screen TV so big that, when it's on, it looks like the doorway to another room." If that was what you meant, then, yes, I want a BB gun for Christmas.

Miracle on 34th Street (1947) Okay, this pretty much goes against everything I said before, right? I mean this is the quintessential Christmas movie. At the very least, it's tied for first for that honor with It's a Wonderful Life. So what gives? Honestly, I'm not really sure. I can't pinpoint exactly what sucks me in every year. I can only report that it happens. And I can tell you this: If you're charmed by the story - which is about a seemingly crazy man who believes he's Santa Claus and what it means if he really is - but are worried that your kids won't appreciate the original because it's in black and white and doesn't really jibe with what they're used to, do not think that the 1994 remake is an acceptable substitute. It is not. It's not even close. I might steer you wrong if you ask me about car insurance or computer repair or something like that, but on matters such as this, please believe me.

NAUGHTY

The Santa Clause (1994), The Santa Clause 2 (2002), The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006) Did I miss the meeting when we all agreed that Tim Allen was a big enough star to carry a franchise? Subquestion: Was that the same meeting when we all agreed it was a good idea to make two sequels to a shoddy original? Seriously, keep me in the loop next time. This is a series of movies that I guarantee you was given the green light before one word of the script was typed. Some guy just walked into a studio and said, "The Santa Clause! You know, with an e on the end? Changes the meaning, right?" If you see a trailer for a clearly bad movie with a halfway clever title, just know that is how it got made.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) I always dreamed that someone would take the beloved animated version of this Dr. Seuss classic and make a live-action version. And in that dream, the live-wire antics of Jim Carrey (fast becoming his generation's Robin Williams, and I don't mean that positively) were on prominent display. Actually, I didn't have that dream. I did have a dream where none of the above happened. Unfortunately, it was only a dream.

Surviving Christmas (2004) When an actor is in a free fall, careerwise, he doesn't just make one bad movie. He makes a lot of them. In retrospect, sure, people will point to one particularly bad film as the moment when it all went wrong. In truth, there are some stinkers before that film and some more clunkers after. When people talk about the fallow period of Ben Affleck's career, they will always bring up Gigli as his rock bottom. But the fact is it got worse for him, and this is the proof.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) Why do I detest this movie so? For one thing, it was inescapable come holiday time when I was a kid. I'm not talking virtually inescapable. I mean there was no way you could avoid it. But that's not the entire reason, because there are plenty of films I love that cable TV beats into the ground, and I don't really mind it. What I really don't like about this iconic Jimmy Stewart performance is that it's like a version of Scared Straight! for anyone without Christmas cheer. Like, if you're not merrily hanging your stocking by the chimney with care, there's a good chance you'll end up having a conversation with a kindly angel about what the world would be like if you weren't in it. Or maybe I just don't like Jimmy Stewart.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) I'm sort of cheating here, because I don't think anyone in his or her right mind would nominate this slasher flick as a Christmas movie. I don't want to bring up the negative side of Hollywood again, but if you want to know how odious that business can be, look no further than a film that dresses its homicidal maniac in a Santa suit. On the plus side, if you have a kid who is stubbornly holding on to a belief in Kris Kringle, just screen a few minutes of this for him. It'll scare the candy out of his stocking. Of course, you'll be dealing with a different set of problems and possibly a visit from CPS.