“So, to them, he apologizes with this prepared statement that he wrote himself and didn’t have his publicist write, because a) if his publicist had written it, it would be better, and b) he doesn’t have a publicist. Still, just because he couldn’t afford to pay somebody a lot of money to fix his problems and had to do it on the cheap doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel really bad about the suffering he has caused those close to him. He promises to never leave the refrigerator door open again and only hopes that Jessica will forgive him.”

I’ll let you know if I receive a press release from Jessica.