THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY QUIPS KING OF QUEENS STAR KEVIN JAMES CALLED US WITH WHEN HE TRADED HIS CHARACTER'S IPS UNIFORM FOR GOLF SHORTS DURING A RECENT OUTING IN HONOLULU.
The greenroom is packed with macho workout gear: boxing gloves, medicine balls, Pilates beds - a den of affliction surely awaiting some chiseled man of steel. Two assistants, dispatched to babysit me while we await the arrival of the Star, speak of their boss's muscle, intensity, and drive.

"He's very athletic, a very nimble guy," says one.

"I couldn't do a Pilates regime, but he does," coos another.

Just then, the big man walks in, a raging, animalistic, scale-smashing mass of flesh.

No, not Schwarzenegger. Not Stallone.

It's James.

Kevin James.

And I think, C'mon! Kevin James is on a fitness regimen? The guy I heard served McDonald's hamburgers at his recent wedding? Sure, he's undoubtedly dexterous in his career, juggling his long-running TV series, The King of Queens, with films like the recent hit Hitch, costarring Will Smith, and the upcoming Grilled, in which he and longtime friend and colleague Ray Romano star as door-to-door meat salesmen. That role makes sense. For James, a New York-bred comedian, is famous for his affinity for couch and chow, not weights and workouts. But he's also a former college football player and insists that he's now regularly consulting nutritionists, doing Pilates, and going ballistic in regular sessions with behemoths like Ultimate Fighting Champion Bas Rutten. "I'm infatuated with guys who fight in cages and stuff like that," James tells me.

Still, he's far from being a fitness fanatic. "I've gone up to 275 and I've gone down to 228," he says. "It depends on the time of year and if I'm hibernating or not. Like most people, I fight it. I'll go up and I want to get down, and other times I want to go back up. I want to be like the biggest guy to ever walk the face of the earth but still wear jeans. And when I'm big? Oh, I'm crazy. I can eat more McDonald's than you can imagine. I can do some scary numbers in food. I can eat like an animal."

In fact, James is about to let loose on the buffet lines in Honolulu, Hawaii. He's flying there for the Sony Open, a weeklong confab of Sony executives and its stars that involves lots of golf and even more parties. It's part business, part pleasure, but all fun. "Adam Sandler goes every year," says James. "Will Smith is going this year. You know, you get to think you're family."

"So I guess you can't go too wild with all those studio suits around, right?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me?" he laughs. "They're the ones leading it! They're crazy. There are no shirts and ties there. It's really loose and relaxed and everybody has a blast."

Merrymaking aside, when I begin quizzing James about the site of the event, I quickly realize that the Hawaiian capital is one subject he could stand to buff up on.

When I ask him for specifics about what he does and where he goes there, the bravado fades and he goes into the all-too-familiar "I can't quite remember" or "I'll get you the names later." He remembers things, sure, but in fragments, like a restaurant whose food he loved but whose name - "two guy's names" - he can't recall. But while some stars would merely say "You look it up," Kevin James wants to participate. "I'd love to talk to you after I win the golf tournament this week," he says. "I can give you so much more information when I'm there. I just want to be right on this stuff."

So we strike a deal: He'll call me from Hawaii as his vacation progresses. That way, I tell him, our readers can truly experience Honolulu with Kevin James. "Call anytime, day or night," I say. "I stay up late and get up early."

Friday, 2:34 a.m.
Mark, hey, it's Kevin James. How are you? I just finished a lovely dinner at Hoku's, which is in the Kahala Mandarin Oriental hotel, after playing 27 holes of golf today. I walked 27 holes and we won the tournament, my friend, which means I won a ukulele. Seriously, that's what first prize was. Second prize was a clock. No, third place was a clock, and second place was a salad bowl. But I won first place, a ukulele. Take that to the bank. [He strums the strings.] See, that's my ukulele. I'll be in touch a little later and give you more information. Oh, I found some Hawaiian music. They gave me a CD. It's called Makaha Sons of Ni'Ihua.

Uh, ah, let me grab a pen and get the spelling of that …

More to come.

Friday, 2:39 a.m.
It's five minutes after the last time I called you. We also went to Caffé Latte, a little mom-and-pop Italian place. It's family style and they come out with endless platters of food. Mamma cooks for everybody. It's above a tattoo parlor. You can go get a picture of a butterfly eating an apple with a snake coming out of it on your arm and then run upstairs for a little pasta. It's everything and a cupcake. You have to pace yourself through this meal. Even I do. You can tap out at any time, but they just keep bringing plates: mozzarella and tomato, clams, and different appetizers. When the main meal comes, it's just endless pasta. It's one of those times when your stomach says, "You're so full!" but your mouth says, "It's so good, and I'm not going to get this again for a while, so I've got to do it." Believe me, I'm from New York, where we have great Italian, so I was really concerned the first time I was taken there. When they say they have "good Italian" in Hawaii, you think it's going to be ketchup and noodles. But I could eat at Caffé Latte every night.

Saturday, 4 a.m.
If you want to get surf lessons, you've got to go to the Hans Hedemann Surf School. Hans is the best in Hawaii. His main students are Adam Sandler and Cameron Diaz. Sandler's a big surfer. I mean, he's opened his head up a couple times doing it. He's just a maniac with it. Based on my body type, I'm not a surfer. But I do wax my back. All right, see ya …

No, wait, Kevin, a few questions before you go.

Okay.

How did a kid from New York discover a place like Honolulu?

Through the Sony Open, the golf tournament. Anything that has to do with golf, I'm in. So I said, "Sure, I'll go, as long as it's business," which was a joke. You get to play with the pros there. You just have a fun time with them all.

Where are you staying?

The Kahala Mandarin Oriental. It's a great place, very comfortable rooms, right on the water. It's beautiful. They have some cool restaurants in the hotel and some great places to smoke a cigar outside, which is neat. They also have the best massages. It's great because they have these private little rooms that you go to and you feel like you're on your own private island. You're isolated from everything, and they give you a great massage, and then you just kind of sit there and drink water, soak in the sun. It's just wild.

What do you like to do most when you're in Honolulu?

I mostly hang out on the golf courses. You can hang out on the beach, too, but when you're my size, the beach doesn't necessarily agree with you. When you go out and get wet and go back on the sand, you're literally a breaded cutlet within 20 minutes. So I usually go out with a poncho. No, I'm not a suntan guy. I have a golf tan, which means my left hand is completely white because of my golf glove and my arms get dark. I love Hawaii, and I'm not even a beach guy. That's how crazy it is.

Sunday, 5 a.m.
Mark, what's up, buddy? Just calling and giving you an update. I'm very sunburned about the nose and face area. We played at Ko'olau, which literally looks like Jurassic Park. With the trees and the mountains, you feel like you're in a different world. It's the most unbelievable golf course, one of the hardest in the world, and I shot probably 160 on it. But we had a lot of fun. One bad thing, we had to walk some of the holes, which wasn't good. You're literally on top of a mountain at one point, shooting down over a bridge into an undulating green. Plus, it rained a little, and our golf carts were sliding all over the place. It was seriously scary at some points, because you're going around these ledges.

I meant to ask: Did you take your wife with you this trip?

Yeah. She's Filipino, and she lived in Hawaii for a few years. So she knows about it and takes me around. She loves golf, too, but she usually watches me in the tournament and then I'll take her golfing. It's nice to come back afterward and have a massage lined up. I get the shiatsu, the deep massage that kills your muscles. It knocks you out.

Sunday, 4 p.m.
Hey, Mark, it's Kevin James, just checking in. Last night we had dinner at Alan Wong's, which is an unbelievable restaurant. We've gone there a couple of times. They've got the greatest food. I'm just having a blast out here in Hawaii and eating like crazy. I'll tell you the thing I love at breakfast here: the Portuguese sausage. There's another thing, these wraps with rice and meat. And Spam is unbelievable. I love Spam and eggs. Everybody knocks it, but it's really good. The buffet is through the roof at my hotel. I load up right before I go out and golf, and if I eat too much Portuguese sausage, I feel bad for the rest of the foursome. You know, the physical fitness is kind of taking a back seat. But everything's going well and I'm looking forward to touching base with you more.

Hang on a second, Kevin. I was wondering if you've left Oahu at all and ventured out to the other islands.

Another trip, I flew to Maui to do a corporate stand-up gig. We rented motorcycles and drove the island. We stopped in a beautiful little town, Hana, and went to a little store called the Hasegawa General Store.

Monday, 5 a.m.
Hey, Mark, it's Kevin. Last night we went to the Ward Theatre to see a screening of Hitch, which played great. It was a great theater. If you want to see a movie, I would go to the Ward, and I would see Hitch if I were you. That's just my advice, that's just me. Then we came back to the hotel and drank until it was time to change our shirts. I was pretty much out. Now I'm just hanging out in the lounge. Tonight, I think we're going back to Caffé Latte, where Mamma is going to cook for us and I'm going to set an eating record. I'll let you know how that goes a little later.

Tuesday, 5:30 a.m.
Hi, Mark. I have some more cool places to tell you about. We ate again here in the Kahala Mandarin Oriental at a place called Tokyo Tokyo, where, although I'm not a big sushi guy, I thought the food was just incredible. We ate at the buffet at Hoku's again, too, until I almost exploded. I also wanted to mention one of the other cool things here: shaved ice. That's something I can't find in the States. But when I do, I'm going to take a bath in it, because it's absolutely incredible.

Sunday, 5:18 p.m.
I wanted to tell you that last night the very generous Will Smith threw a luau for us. That was pretty cool. There were some hula dancers and I don't know what the other dancers were, but they were pretty big. I was actually considering putting on a pair of coconuts and getting up there myself. We had great food and all had a lot of fun. So I just thought I'd tell you that it was really cool. Okay, man, take care.