A Modern-Times Thanksgiving
From: LennyH440@gmail.com
To: MamaH@yahoo.com, LindaH111@aol.com, RogerH1@rr.com
Subject: Turkey Day
Hey, guys, we are sooo looking forward to you coming for Thanksgiving. Mom, I know last year was a little traumatic. I want to say, again, how very sorry we are about your dress catching fire. First time deep-frying a turkey. It just didn’t occur to me that the flames would jump the pot, catch the rented tent, and leap to your hem the way they did. Especially since you were running so fast. Oh, well. Live and learn.
Linda says the burns have healed so that you can barely see them, except for one long, oval-shaped scar around your knee. Hey, maybe you could paint it and tell people it’s a surfboard tattoo. That would throw ’em, huh? (Just kidding.)
Anywho … I think this year we have it figured out: No tent (obviously!). We’re just going to do it in the open and hope it doesn’t rain. Jeanne is concerned about low-hanging limbs. I say they’re not that low. Besides, if something does happen, at least this year, it would happen to a tree, not a person. Ha-ha. I got a fire extinguisher just in case, though.
From: LennyH440@gmail.com
To: MamaH@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Turkey Day
Mom, I know you were opposed to the whole fried-turkey thing in the first place. And I appreciate your feeling that if an oven-baked turkey was good enough for the Pilgrims, it should be good enough for us. But I don’t think the problem was with the frying per se; it was with the operator, i.e., me.
I know now which way to turn “the little thingy” on the propane so that I don’t turn up the flame to Incendiary when I mean to turn it down to Simmer. It’ll be fine. Really.
From: LennyH440@gmail.com
To: MamaH@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Turkey Day
Why am I so hyped up about the fried turkey? Because of the fried turkey I had in Louisiana years ago. Remember? I told you about it when Stephanie and I first started dating, and you said we would never last, and I said you always say that, and you said, “Yeah, and?” and then I hung up, and we didn’t speak again until Christmas Eve, when Stephanie left me for the biker who worked as a Santa Claus at JCPenney. I still remember her on the back of his bike, her blond hair and his Santa cap blowing in the wind. And as they disappeared, my cell rang, and it was you. Man, that was a rough patch.
Anyway, the fried turkey was amazing. I’m telling you, it’s worth all the hassle (maybe not the third-degree burns, ha-ha). And everybody’s doing it. It’s the modern way. Remember those equations from high school? Here’s one: A fried turkey is to a baked turkey what an iPod is to a record player.
From: LennyH440@gmail.com
To: MamaH@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Turkey Day
I know you don’t have an iPod, Mom. That’s kind of the point.
From: LennyH440@gmail.com
To: LindaH111@aol.com, RogerH1@rr.com
Subject: Mom
Mom’s a little skittish about the whole fried-turkey thing. So I don’t want to hit her with my whole idea. I was thinking that maybe we would do a Cajun Thanksgiving this year. Something different. As you know, Teddy is down there, going to college. So I thought maybe we’d make him feel at home -- his new New Orleans home.
Of course, he says he’d just as soon stay down there. But I think he is just being nice, trying to save us a few bucks on airfare. And, no, before you bring it up, I don’t think any of this has to do with the argument about his girlfriend last Thanksgiving.
Anyway, he has a different girlfriend now. And she is not, from what I can tell, a lazy good-for-nothing.
So, where was I? Oh yeah: the menu. I thought we might have jambalaya and gumbo and boudin instead of mashed potatoes and dressing and cranberry sauce. Whattaya think? Linda, do you know how to make jambalaya? Now, don’t get mad. You always get so mad when I ask you to do something you don’t know how to do, but you also get mad if I don’t include you. You’ve been that way since we were kids. If you don’t know, don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.
So, Rog, you’re coming in, what, Wednesday? Will you be carrying your BlackBerry on your trip here? I thought I’d e-mail you along the way with a scotch update. I might get something different from what you brought last year. Don’t get me wrong; I liked it. I especially liked the label, with the drawing of the guy sleeping on the sidewalk. But I thought maybe this year we’d go with something other than Kentucky Slumber.
Oh, you can see the menu on my Facebook page. Just tell me what you think by writing on my Wall. And, Roger, that doesn’t mean graffitiing on my Wall. Ha-ha.
From: LennyH440@gmail.com
To: MamaH@yahoo.com, LindaH111@aol.com, RogerH1@rr.com
Subject: Thanksgiving
We decided to just order everything from the supermarket. Make it easy. And, believe it or not, their mac and cheese is not half bad. Besides, Thanksgiving is about celebrating family. Hope Uncle Sid doesn’t get drunk again this year. Just in case, we hid the darts.