"Oh yeah? Well, We, also the City, known hereinafter as the District, will show you how much we don't like your deal by not giving any money to Libraries. So there. You know What Else? We're going to stop Breathing until you give us what we Want, which is, like, we're not exactly sure, but Something, you can be assured of that. Take it or Leave it."

MLB, which had formed a task force to deal with the issue of how it could get people to use its acronym, issued a statement that said:

"Okay, so nobody follows the Sport anymore. That doesn't mean you can tell Us that you won't build a Stadium at your expense for the Rich Guys who will Own the Team. So we don't care what you Don't Fund. If you want a Sport that has been found by the FDA to be an effective Sleep Aid, you will give us what we want. Unnerstand? Huh? Do ya?"

At the eleventh hour, everybody came to an agreement to the effect that the only people to blame are each other, then each issued press releases saying they brought baseball back to the District.

And that is the miracle of baseball's return to the nation's capital.

But assuming Washington hasn't changed its mind again before you read this, the real miracle will be if the team posts a winning season. In a sport where haplessness is a kind of badge of honor - Boston complained for decades that it never won the World Series; Chicago Cubs fans cry that they may never again go to the World Series - let history record that there is a new chump on the block: the Washington Nationals.

The name stems from the team's original moniker back in the 1800s when it was in the National League, thus adhering to a Washington tradition of naming things literally. ("Hey, what should we call that white house?" "How 'bout the White House?" "Brilliant.") In 1901, the franchise joined the newly formed American League and, in a bold move, was named the Senators. Baseball left the District after the 1971 season, moving to Arlington, Texas, and the Senators became the Texas Rangers. In its 71-year history, the Senators won exactly one World Series championship and last appeared in a Series in 1933.