Come with me as we journey into the dark heart of a secretive land.
It is a strange, otherworldly place known as the nation's
capital.
This summer, many of you will visit this place. But unless you know
what to look for, you will see only those things that they want you
to see.
To experience the genuine article, today we explore the real
Washington, D.C., on this edition of
Weird Kingdom.
I'm standing in front of what you no doubt recognize as the
Washington Monument. It is one of the totems of this town. Do you
know how to get here? Of course you don't. No one does. One of the
things they don't tell you is that the
Washington Monument is in
the very center of things and yet in the middle of nowhere.
The nearest subway stop is blocks away. Which reminds me, if you
are looking for the subway, you won't find it by that name. Here,
the subterranean mass-transit train is called the Metro. Or, as the
locals refer to it, the #%$@ @#$ Metro.
I am standing in front of a Metro station. See that man over there
on his cell phone? The one screaming about the #%$@ @#$ Metro and
how the "%&*# Red Line is broken again"?
He may be a politician or a lobbyist or a member of the media.
Highly self-important, these people are like kudzu - nonnative to
this land but overtaking it.
Let's visit some of them in their natural habitat: restaurants.
Shhhh. Don't disturb the group over there, at the corner table.
That is a pride of lobbyists. They seem almost beautiful in their
black suits. To be sure, they can be friendly. But don't be fooled;
they are extremely dangerous. They eat politicians for breakfast.
Speaking of politicians, there are some now. You can tell because
none is letting the other speak. Let's play a little game: "
TV
cameras!" Did you see how fast they scrambled to get in front
of what they thought was the media? I admit, that was a little
mean. But I just wanted to make a point. Politicians aren't just
drawn to microphones; they're nourished by them, much as
photosynthesis nourishes plant life.