Homer's Home
Homer Simpson is a man of simple pleasures - all of which he can
easily find in his hometown of Springfield.
Homer Simpson, holding a mug of Duff beer in one hand and a jelly
donut in the other, sits in a dark corner of the bar between two
unattractive men who seem to be waiting for him to say something.
But he says nothing. Inside Moe's Tavern, a landmark dive in the
town of Springfield, he is staring through the smoke and
semidarkness at a jar of pickled eggs that appears to be so old the
bar may have been built around it. The two men with him, Lenny and
Carl, know that it can be pointless to force conversation upon
Homer when he is in this nearly catatonic state, a tiny glint of
drool hanging from the corner of his mouth. But I do not. I'm a
newcomer to Springfield and to Moe's, and I have come here hoping
to speak with Homer, a man who has dominated this town's headlines
ever since his birth was greeted in the Springfield Shopper with
the front-page proclamation: "Unusually Large, Ugly Baby Born."
Homer Simpson has made even more news since then, for he has been
involved with many things involving many people here in Springfield
- his own snowplow business, his successful recording career, his
work on behalf of the local church as a missionary in the South
Pacific, his stint as Springfield's chief of police, his role as
curator of the now-defunct Museum of Hollywood Jerks. And that's
just the beginning.
Homer Simpson has been a blackjack dealer, a
pin monkey at the
bowling alley, a
baseball mascot, and a film
producer. He's also faced off against the heavyweight champion of
the world, stopped a stampeding elephant, and both averted and
nearly caused a meltdown at the nuclear power plant where he works
when he's not engaged in some entrepreneurial endeavor. Indeed, it
seems that Homer is a man who can do anything he wants.
Anything.
For the moment, though, what he wants does not include speaking to
me. I have pursued Homer for weeks, trying to get him to say a few
words about his hometown of Springfield. He has been surprisingly
difficult to reach. But I've finally found him, here at Moe's, and
as soon as I can get up the courage, I'm going to ask him about the
extraordinary place where he lives.
In some ways, Springfield isn't unusual. It's a frontier city, and,
like other American frontier cities, it was founded by a
rough-and-tumble frontiersman. (Jebediah Springfield is noted for,
among other things, having killed a bear with his bare hands.
Typical.) No, Springfield is unique not for its history but for its
topography. As soon as you step off the plane at the Springfield
Airport, you find yourself calling the landscape simply
"unpossible." On one end of town, there are enormous purple
mountains, a lake, a lush national forest, and even a glacier. Yet,
nearby, there is also a desert. At the other end of town, there is
an oceanfront and a Squidport. Somewhere in between, a fire has
raged at the Springfield Tire Yard since either 1966 or 1989.
No one is entirely sure.
Maybe Homer knows. But now, sitting at this bar, which is in
uncomfortable proximity to schools and a church, Homer Simpson
seems miles away, in his own private world, not even reacting when
the jukebox suddenly switches to a song Homer wrote, "Everybody
Hates Ned Flanders." It is a lovely ballad that he first recorded
four years ago. The lyrics are simple, yet the song still manages
to evoke loneliness and sensuality:
"Everybody in the USA
Hates their stupid neighbor.
He's Flanders and he's really, really lame!"
As the tune plays, I chat with one of Homer's closest friends, the
saloonkeeper, Moe Szyslak. "Hi, my name's Moe," he says, "or, as
the ladies like to refer to me, 'Hey, you in the bushes.'?" I ask
Moe why there is virtually no one in the bar I've heard so much
about, a place that was once so popular that people would push or
wedge their way in, nesting between the elbows and backsides of men
drinking three-deep at the bar. Aerosmith even played a gig here.
But tonight, to paraphrase a line from that great Frank Sinatra
song, there's no one in the place except Homer, Lenny, Carl, Moe,
and me - and also a guy named Barney who may or may not have passed
out. Moe explains that the lack of patrons is not an adequate
reflection of the vibrancy of Springfield's nightlife - although
he doesn't say that in quite so many words. "People today are
healthier and drinking less," Moe says. "You know, if it weren't
for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the
cigarette machine."
After a while, I ask Moe if there is something wrong with Homer.
Maybe Homer Simpson has a cold, like the aforementioned Sinatra did
in that famous 1966 Esquire story. That's not it, I'm told. Homer
isn't sick. He's not sad. He's just happily daydreaming about food.
Indeed, as I make my way over to him, I'm almost certain that I can
hear Homer mumbling either "Mmm, maca-ma-damia nuts" or "Mmm, pie
pants." Possibly both.
Whichever it is, Homer actually doesn't seem thrilled that I have
interrupted his mental buffet. But when I buy him a Duff, he agrees
to talk about himself and what he thinks makes Springfield so
spectacular.
Homer, you've got a wife, Marge, and three
kids - Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. Is it hard for you to juggle
your diverse professional responsibilities with your duties
to your family? First of all, I know the names of my
children, except sometimes the baby's. Second of all, your
question gives me a good idea. Become a circus juggler. Next
question.
Would you say Springfield is a good place to raise
a family? It's the best. It's the lowest point in the state,
so all the lost balls roll down to us.
You're quite a traveler. You've been all over the
world - Washington, D.C.; Ngorongoro, Tanzania; Toronto, Canada;
even Itchy & Scratchy Land. What is it about Springfield that
makes you keep coming back? This little baby here: a
court-ordered ankle bracelet. It gives me a shock if I'm out of the
area for more than a week.
You once faced off against a tricky cat burglar.
And Sideshow Bob once tried to flood the town. Is Springfield a
safe place to visit now? It's very safe … between January 22
and January 24. Otherwise, stay away. I'm warning you.
Are there any special places you like to retreat
to, just by yourself? I like the quiet peace inside the
sliced-meat cooler at the Kwik-E-Mart.
There is a lake and a river and what seems to be
an oceanfront in Springfield. There's also a gorge, a national
forest, a mountain range, a glacier, and the Alkali Flats, known as
the Springfield Badlands. What do you make of the city's amazingly
diverse topography? I've crashed my car into all of them.
Once, I even did it sober.
Speaking of the ocean, do you have a favorite
beach in Springfield? Springfield's famous nude beach. But
how come I'm always the only guy who's nude there?
You're clearly a man who enjoys a good meal. You
must have some favorite restaurants. Where do you go for
breakfast? For a casual breakfast, nothing beats the
friendly atmosphere of Flanders's kitchen before he wakes up.
How about a power lunch? I sneak away to
Cooling Tower One at the nuclear plant. Lunch doesn't get more
"power" than that. [Homer laughs for 15 minutes.]
And what about a fancy dinner? What do you think
is the classiest joint in all of Springfield? Whatever place
won't let me in.
Springfield has a country club with a golf course.
Do you ever hit the links there? No, I really don't like
sports that don't make you work up a sweat. That's why I prefer
drunken bowling.
What about shopping? We know there are stores
along the riverfront. What are some of the good ones?
Springfield has some of the best shopping in the world. You can buy
beer almost anywhere in town, including at many banks and churches.
For fashion, Marge and I like to go "Goodwill hunting." I don't
know why we call it that; we both hated the movie.
What would you tell someone visiting Springfield
for the first time to do while they are here? I would
advise not coming after dark. In fact, you probably shouldn't come
at all. But if you must, my top three attraction picks are the
South Street Squidport, Isotope Stadium, and the new interactive
exhibit, Throw a Brick through Flanders's Front Window while He's
at Work.
Homer, we're sure you know that Springfield was founded by and
named for frontiersman Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah
Springfield, who famously said, "A noble spirit embiggens the
smallest man."
Can you tell us something else about the town's
history? History? Who do I look like to you, Doris Kearns
Goodwin? No, seriously - sometimes I look in the mirror and I see
her staring back at me.
Springfield is divided into many neighborhoods.
There's Chinatown, Bum Town, Junkyville, Crackton, Greek Town,
Pressboard Estates, Tibet Town, and the South Street Squidport. Do
you have a favorite? My favorite is your home neighborhood:
Stupid-Question Town.
Do you have a favorite family-getaway destination
that's close to Springfield? An amusement park or a campground,
perhaps? Oh, I know a great place. It's called "hammock in
the backyard with a six-pack of beer while the kids are inside
playing Nintendo." For saying that, I'd like a free
Nintendo.
We've heard that you've had some troubles with
various all-you-can-eat buffets. Are those issues now
resolved? Well, let's just say that the case of Homer
Simpson v. the Frying Dutchman Seafood Restaurant is working its
way up the appellate courts, and it will probably reach the Supreme
Court. At that point, I think I'll have a good shot, because I once
saw Clarence Thomas at a Hometown Buffet, and he was loading his
robes with garlic knots.
We've noticed that there are plenty of sports that
Springfielders can enjoy. They can catch a game at Isotope Stadium,
or they can get together at the Bowl-a-Rama or Sir Putts-a-Lot
Merrie Olde Fun Center. Do you do much athletically, Homer?
Oh yes. I work out on the StairMaster five times a week - not! Look
at me, I'm a fat load! Enjoy your flight. I'm going to Moe's!
Homer, you're already at Moe's. Enjoy your beer.
We Said
Here are the spots that score points with us when we're in
Springfield.
LODGING
Hotel Pillowmint, very
expensive. The Who stayed here when they came to town to play a
concert at
Yahoo Search Engine Arena.
DINING
Bob's Big Poi, Hawaiian,
moderate.
Have It Uruguay, South American,
inexpensive.
La Snotteria, Franco/Californian/Italian,
expensive.
Professor P.J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium
and Great American Steakery, everything, inexpensive.
SHOPPING
The Android's Dungeon & Baseball
Card Shop. Best. Store. Ever. Pick up an issue of
Radioactive Man, no. 72.
The Leftorium. A store owned by Ned
Flanders, it stocks products exclusively for left-handers.
SPORTS
Noiseland Video Arcade. This
joint at the Springfield Mall caters to the inactive sports fan.
ATTRACTIONS
The Springfield Knowledgeum. Its
slogan is "Where science is explained with brightly colored
balls."
NIGHTLIFE
Stu's Disco. Disco
isn't dead after all, thanks to owner Disco Stu, who once famously
said, "Disco Stu likes disco music."
five. best. springfield. moments.
ever.
a lot of things can happen in a town that borders maine, ohio,
nevada, and kentucky. ¶ here are five of the more memorable events,
some of which haven't even happened yet. weird.
april 29, 1990 in a story ahead of its
time, town tv clown krusty gets arrested for robbing a convenience
store. although he was actually framed by his tv sidekick, sideshow
bob, krusty is convicted in the media and in popular opinion even
before his trial. as homer put it, "the clown is g-i-l-l-t-y."
january 14, 1993 a huckster sells
springfield on a flawed monorail project. during its maiden
journey, the monorail becomes a runaway, stopping only when
conductor homer simpson hooks it to a giant faux donut. homer's
conclusion: "donuts. is there anything they can't do?"
may 21, 1995 after an oil reserve is
discovered beneath springfield elementary, town billionaire
montgomery burns builds a slanted drilling rig in order to drain
the reserve without touching the school's property. fumes from the
rig pollute nearby moe's tavern, causing town drunkard barney
gumble to declare, "these fumes aren't as fun as beer. sure, i'm
all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of
self-esteem?"
may 20, 2007 the simpsons’ 400th episode airs. special guest star: ludacris. not expected to appear: oprah.
july 27, 2007 the simpsons movie premieres. to quote monty burns, “excellent.”
he said...here are the spots that score points with homer simpson when he’s home in springfield.
dining
the frying dutchman seafood restaurant, seafood, moderate.
nightlife
moe’s tavern, inexpensive.
shopping
kwik-e-martgoodwillsports
isotope stadiumbowl-a-ramasir putts-a-lot merrie olde fun centerattractions
south street squidport