I’m Kayla. I’m ace. I like slow hugs, big laughs, and cozy dates that don’t rush past my comfort. Dating while ace can feel tricky. If you’re completely new to the concept, this concise Healthline primer on asexual dating covers the basics and common myths. I wanted romance without the pressure. So I tested apps that say they’re good for folks like me. Some were great. Some were… fine. Here’s what happened, for real.
For the full unabridged version of my review (complete with extra screenshots and outtakes), you can peek at the piece I wrote for American Way right here.
Quick Scene-Setter
I live in a mid-size city. Think coffee shops and bus lines that sometimes show up late. City size changes everything; if you want a sense of how things look in a bigger metropolis, this straight-up Chicago hookup field report paints the picture.
I wanted romance, not hookups. I wrote on my profile: “Ace woman, loves tea, museums, and good jackets. Looking for a soft, steady kind of love.” Simple. True.
I tried these:
- Asexualitic (the ace-focused one)
- OkCupid
- Bumble
- Lex
- Taimi
Before I dove in, I read through this long-running AVEN forum discussion where ace people swap dating-app stories—it made me feel less alone and gave me realistic expectations.
I kept each app for at least a month. I went on real dates. I also got ghosted. You know what? It still helped.
If you’re curious about how different communities navigate dating and connection, I found a thoughtful feature on American Way that dives into reinventing modern relationships at every comfort level.
Asexualitic: Small Pond, Real Calm
Asexualitic felt like a quiet café. The sign-up was plain. No fluff. I liked that I could mark both “asexual” and “romantic” goals. It sounds small, but it matters.
What worked:
- I found folks who spoke my language. “No pressure.” “Slow burn.” “Cuddles welcome, consent first.”
- Filters that didn’t make me explain myself five times.
Real story: I matched with Eli. We did a puzzle night at a board game shop. We shared ginger cookies. We laughed at how the edge pieces hide in plain sight. We didn’t touch until the end. Then a quick hug. It felt safe.
Downsides:
- Fewer people. Some nights, it felt like the same ten faces on repeat.
- The app was a bit clunky on my phone. Messages lagged sometimes.
Would I keep it? Yes. It’s like a comfy sweater. Not flashy. Very kind.
OkCupid: Big Pool, Big Payoff (If You Tweak It)
OkCupid gave me range. I set my orientation to asexual. I answered questions about romance, physical touch, and pace. I filtered for people open to ace partners. It took time, but it worked.
What I liked:
- I could explain my boundaries without sounding “extra.”
- Lots of prompts to show personality. Mine said: “Let’s start with tea and a slow walk. I love art shows and silly trivia.”
Real story: I met Maya for jasmine tea and a small art pop-up. We moved slow. We talked about playlists and weird museum gift shops. The night ended with a plan for a farmer’s market stroll. No pressure. Just a warm “see you soon.”
What bugged me:
- A few folks asked, “So… do you date at all?” I had to teach a bit. It’s okay, but it gets tiring.
- You need patience. Big pools mean mixed signals.
Still, OkCupid gave me strong matches. Most of my best dates came from here.
Bumble: Great Filters, But You Gotta Be Clear
Bumble lets you mark “asexual.” I set “I’m looking for a relationship.” I also wrote, “Not here for hookups. I love early dinners and libraries.”
Good parts:
- Orientation label helped right away.
- I liked sending the first message. (I used lines like, “Two truths and a lie? I always lose at Mario Kart.”)
Real story: I matched with Sam. Our first chat was slow and kind. We met at a bookstore café. We swapped favorite cookbooks and tried a lemon tart. We’re friends now. That’s still a win.
Not so great:
- Without paid filters, distance and intent got messy.
- I got a few “so just friends?” messages. Sigh. But at least I could unmatch fast.
On the flip side, if you’re newly single and curious about diving head-first into hookups rather than slow burns, I loved this brutally honest breakdown of post-divorce hookup life for its practical sanity-checks.
For folks who’d rather skip the long bios altogether and jump straight into playful selfie exchanges, check out Snap-Hot — the guide walks you through finding consenting partners on Snapchat, setting boundaries, and keeping every steamy snap safe and discreet.
If you ever find yourself up in North Yorkshire and feel curious about the classifieds-style side of casual dating, I stumbled on this no-fluff breakdown of York’s Bedpage scene at Bedpage York — it shows you how to sort genuine listings from bots, message with discretion, and keep every spontaneous meet-up anchored in clear consent.
Bumble can work. You just need a firm bio and some soft-but-clear boundaries.
Lex: Text First. Vibes Second. Photos Later.
Lex is text-based. It’s queer. It’s personal. I posted: “Ace femme, 30s, city walker, museum sitter. Seeking romance that feels like a slow song. Coffee? Park bench? Cozy scarf weather welcome.”
What I loved:
- People read. They respond to words, not just photos.
- Lots of ace tags. #ace #aspec #slowburn helped.
Real story: Two folks wrote long replies about favorite snacks and quiet love. One made me a Spotify playlist with soft guitar. We met for a thrift store stroll and a hot chocolate. It was sweet. Also, someone ghosted me after six days of planning. It stung. Then I laughed and moved on.
Pitfalls:
- Flakes happen. More than once.
- You need to post now and then to stay visible.
I still use Lex when I want slower, deeper chats.
Taimi: Pretty Loud, But Not Bad
Taimi is bright and very LGBTQ+. I did find ace folks, but the feed felt busy and a bit fast for me.
What worked:
- Clear labels. Easy to say “ace,” “romantic,” and what I want.
- Group chats had ace and aro topics that felt supportive.
What didn’t:
- A lot of fast-paced flirting. Fun to peek at, not my daily thing.
- Harder to find local matches who wanted gentle pacing.
I keep it on my phone, but I don’t open it much.
Dates That Felt Good (Steal These)
- Tea and a quiet walk by the river. Warm hands, clear heads.
- Bookstore date. Pick a book for each other. Leave a note inside.
- Board game café. Co-op games are ace catnip.
- Museum hour. Short, sweet, and low pressure.
- Farmers market stroll. Try samples. Share a muffin. Done.
What I Put in My Bio (That Actually Helped)
- “Ace woman, romantic, slow and steady.”
- “Physical touch is welcome with consent. No rush.”
- “I show care with snacks, playlists, and checking in.”
- “First date idea: tea + a tiny walk.”
- “Deal breakers: rude to staff, pressure, no-shows.”
I also use tags: #ace #aspec #queer #slowburn
Green Flags I Watch For
- They ask about comfort and pace.
- They plan a soft first date, not a packed night.
- They read my profile and echo my language. (“Slow burn works for me.”)
- They don’t turn “ace” into a quiz.
Red flags? “So how does that even work?” followed by a smirk. Or “We can change that.” We cannot.
My Personal Ranking (For Now)
- OkCupid: Best for finding matches who get it.
- Asexualitic: Safest vibe, smaller pool.
- Lex: Most heartfelt chats, but more flakes.
- Bumble: Can work with strong boundaries.
- Taimi: Bright, supportive, a bit fast for me.
I keep OkCupid and Asexualitic active. I open Lex on Sundays. Bumble and Taimi sit on the bench.
Final Thoughts, From My Couch With a Cup of Tea
Dating while ace isn’t a loophole. It’s a lane. It’s real. You can want romance, care, kisses, quiet trust—without pressure. I’ve had dates that felt like sunlight through